Legacy~

The Lord called my father home early this morning in his sleep~  I am completely heartbroken because I will miss him so.....the children are heartbroken beyond measure because their papa was everything to them.  Dad developed a very high fever on Sunday evening and though I begged  him as well as mom....he said he was so ....tired and didn't want to go to the emergency room...he just wanted to rest and sleep in his own bed with my mom.  They missed each other terribly with all the trips in and out of the hospital....and so we picked him up because he was so weak and placed him in bed and and though Tom and I wanted to spend the night; he would have none of it....he wanted us home with our family for our children.  So I kissed him goodnight and told him I loved him and fluffed his pillows as I do always~  he told me he loved me....he told Tom he loved him and to be the strong man he knew he was....and told him he loved him too~ and of course Tom told him he loved him.....and we said goodnight...planning on seeing him in the morning but that was not to be~  The Lord called him home out of his suffering .....no more amputations or wounds or dialysis which he dreaded because it was so very painful.....My father is healed and whole walking again and reunited with his parents.....I grieve because I will miss him so....his crazy sense of humor...his teasing.....his voice.....his presence.  I grieve for my mother who fell in love with him at thirteen....I grieve for my children who their papa was everything to~  But his legacy of love will live forever in his children and grandchildren and generations to come....who will know the Lord because of his faithfulness....who will be kind and loving and compassionate because of the example he set for us.....who will raise strong families because family meant everything to him...and for that I am amazed and thankful for ~  My father was a man who never forgot to ask you how you were doing....because he truly cared for others.  He will forever live in my heart and I was blessed beyond measure to have him as my father and be able to be raised by a godly man.  I love you dad now and forever and one day I know I will see you again but until than know there will never be a day that passes that I will not somehow be touched by you~ and the way you influenced my life......

Changes~

I spoke to Tom this evening and he seemed so blue~   it really is a cause for concern...he is just wanting to work so desperately...to the point where I believe he is just being too hard on himself.  He has been in Winter Haven just two days~ looking for work...and I believe that God is going to open the doors for my husband and give him work.  He is a good man with a good heart that just wants to provide for his family and I know that God sees this; I just wish he knew it also~  So I continue to pray for him and I  continue to ask God to strengthen him.  I am tired tonight; mom and I were in the hospital all day with dad.  He was to have surgery this morning on his foot...I saw it today for the first time and it looks bad...very bad but I know we serve a mighty God who can do all things~ so I am entrusting my dad to his care....there is no better place.  He will Lord-willing have the surgery tomorrow at 7:30.  We will be at the hospital before the sun rises~ and it will be cold very cold here is sunny south Florida....25 degrees!  So much for Al Gore and global warming~  Dad is in good spirits...trusting himself to God.  Mom is weary but she keeps going~  I pray for her too that God would continue to strengthen her through this very difficult time.  The kids are starting to accept that we will probably be moving~ knowing that this would be best for their dad has helped to shape their perspective on it.  I do believe that God is going to move and I just cannot wait!

A Funny~

Trip~

Tom leaves tomorrow for his trip~  I am very excited for him.  He needs so very much to get away and be around people who are an encouragement.  Sometimes a change of scenery is a very good thing.
I am hoping that he will be there through at least Wednesday.  He is getting his things together and I think he has a sense of anticipation as well~  I believe this could very well be the thing our family needs a fresh start.  Somewhere new where we can our children and once again feel at peace.  A sense of security for them....something I know they need and I want for them.  I am nervous and excited at the possibilities.  I know the Lord has us in His hands and I believe that He will step in and help us.  I am going to stay home this time around as dad has surgery on Tuesday.  He has two ulcers on his foot and they need to make sure the infection has not set into his bone.  I don't want my mom to have to be there alone....and I really need to step it up and start packing~  the thought is overwhelming!  I am going to make every effort to get rid of the things we don't need...clear out the clutter...and take what we need and of course the kids things.  I am happy that they may be able to have their own rooms that way the transition will be easier.  Gabby and Amanda have very different tastes in decorating..Gabby is still very much my little girl and loves her horses and her collectible dolls and Amanda quite the young woman now...oh my~ the years fly and in a blink they've grown. Time to make new and happy memories~ establish new traditions as well...
 

Thursday night~

Tom will be leaving Sunday afternoon to stay with a friend in Winter Haven~  he got a lead on a printing company that is hiring and called and they asked for his resume.  I looked them up and they happen to be a Christian company~ so he will be stopping in on Monday to follow-up.  She was also able to get some information on housing for us....I thank God for her!  Please be praying with me that Tom's check comes in that way we are able to put down a deposit ; should he find something.  I told my dad last night and he was very positive about it~ still I know that it will be hard.  I am looking forward to a new start and still a bit apprehensive about the change for all of us...but I know the Lord will take care of us.  The stress has me in a bit of a flare so I have been spending a great deal of time resting...just not a whole lot of energy for much~ but I work tomorrow at church so I am sure I will need some caffeine!  Gabby had a wonderful time last night at her party for her bible study.  I was so happy to see this!  I am hoping that she can see her friends again before Christmas.  Austin had a nice and quiet birthday which is what he enjoys~ I am glad he was able to do exactly what he wanted....mostly drama free.  I can't believe my son is now sixteen!  The kids are growing so fast; I miss the days when they were little and life was easier..but nothing to do but move along.

I am thankful tonight that my hubby came to church~ it had been a while ....and I know that he is really struggling with what is happening to our lives.  It meant a great deal to Amanda as she was singing in the choir tonight.  She is starting up with choir as they are getting ready for the Christmas eve services.  I am thankful that I have a daughter who loves the Lord.  Tom is making plans to go this week to stay with a friend in order to see if he can find work.  It will be two hours from where we live now~  the children are apprehensive at the thought of possibly leaving everyone and everything they know but I know that God has a plan.  My friend tells me that there is a great deal of work in her neck of the woods and so time will tell~  Tom is planning on leaving after Austin's 16th birthday ; which is on Tuesday.  I am not sure where all the years have gone..just seem to have flown by in a blink~ Too quickly.  I thank the Lord for all the wonderful memories we have of the kids and family and I pray the Lord would bless us with more.  I have to trust the if the Lord takes us from here; that we will have a sense of peace that at this time we just do not have.  God just appears to be closing doors here.....slamming them actually.  We will not be able to move into my cousin's home because of the hoa and so now we must start looking ....really looking~ I am just praying that God would bring my husband full-time employment; so we can find a home.  I saw a dear friend tonight at church and her concern and love for my family was just overwhelming.  It means a great deal to know that I have people praying for our family...it means a great deal to know that my friends really care.  So I continue to pray and know I am praying that the Lord would give us crystal clear direction where He wants us and that the way be provided.

Steps~

The Lord reminded me today that he will not leave us nor will He forsake us~   We are His children after all..Lord willing Tom's check will come in on Friday~ and than this weekend I will start to work on the application for the hoa for the rental.  I would ask dear friends that you could join me in prayer...we must be approved to rent the townhouse.  We need to move in the next several weeks and we must have a home to call our own.  I just want a little security for our family~ especially the children.  I am thankful that my boss at church has been more than accommodating by giving me more hours at the church.  Tom continues to look for work and I have another interview on Friday for a job at Macy's.  I have signed up for school and will be taking courses online so that I can work in a school and possibly do evaluations at the end of the year.  One step at a time...that is all I can do~  I believe the Lord knows my heart and that of  Tom.

Wilderness~

Have you ever felt as if you were in the wilderness?  I suppose this is why I love Psalms so much~  because David also felt very much alone at times.  It has been a difficult several weeks~  we sit and wait to see where we will be in a month.  I pray and pray and pray some more and sit still in the silence unable to sleep.  I have really missed grandma~  wanting to talk with her because she always listened and prayed and this brought  me a great deal of comfort.  Thanksgiving was a wonderful time.  We went to my cousins during the day and my parents in the evening.  It was a stress-free time and it was a great day of fellowship.  I know without a doubt that my Lord hears me~  I just so need Him to answer my cries.  The kids are not sleeping....Tom and I are not sleeping...we are in a holding pattern and I think this is the hardest part for all of us..the not knowing what is around the corner.

Be Still~

"Be still and know that I am God"~ tonight as I am laying here with bronchitis this has been going through my head.  I have a lot of questions lately....but I know when I go through these struggles of faith; I simply start praying...crying out to my Lord.  When I see no way out I know that He has a way~ that He will come through and provide a means of relief for our family.  Tomorrow I go for an interview at a preschool...very excited as I love working with little ones~  I continue to work at church but the hours I need are simply not there..so I will continue to look and apply for work.  Tom continues his search and continues to paint.  He spoke with the unemployment office the other day and it will be five to six weeks before he receives a check so I am asking the Lord for a miracle of provision.  I need to start packing again as I had stopped with all that has gone on......I suppose I need to pack and trust in faith that God has a home for our family.  Faith is quite a journey.  There are some days I must be honest when I wake and I say...I want my life back.  My comfortable life~ where I did not have these day to day worries of provision for our family....I have asked the Lord why?  and when I get an answer I promise I will share it~ but for now I rise each morning and simply pray for a host of many things and plead for my children and husband ....for strength and peace for this point in our lives~

God is good~

I remember an old song that we sang in church when I was a young girl~  God is so good...God is so good...God is so good...He's so good to me~  He is good!  I have been going and going so more and He has given me the strength to keep on going...even when I have been exhausted!  The Lord I believe has taken me through many a  storm and He has not failed me yet and so I continue to walk~  I love my job at church.  The kids are so great~  I enjoy the so much and to know that I can sow into their lives if only for a couple of hours is very encouraging.  Lord willing we will be moving soon~  not sure when other sometime before the end of December.  Transitions are never easy but they are necessary sometimes for our growth...not that I like growing right not but it is either I embrace change and go with the flow or resist and stand in Gods way....I will not stand in His way...stepping aside to see what is in store for our family~

Sunday afternoon~

God is my source of comfort and strength~  I find myself today contemplating this....Life is very hard and I do not know how I would get through it without my Lord.  The past couple of days have been long and hard but with Gods grace I continue to get through and for this  I am extremely grateful and very blessed.  When I think I cannot go on due to mental and physical exhaustion the Lord continues to sustain me.  Mandy is going with friends to church tonight and Gab and I are going to walk around together and go window shopping.  Tom is off to pick Mandy up at church and will be stopping by my parents....Lord willing I am hoping that dad will be able to get through to him and help him out of the depression that he is experiencing.  Our God is so good~  He continues to help me walk through this journey ; whether I am in the valley or on the mountain top.  Thank you Lord for your continued faithfulness.

Strength~

Today was day two of working part-time....the Lord is faithful and gracious.  I must say that I am exhausted and achy but!  I got through and was able to go and help with Summer and get some writing done.  My dad came home this evening with some very good news~  the doctor told him this evening that his leg looks fantastic!  Words cannot begin to describe how thankful I am for the Lords mercy in hearing our prayers.  I will be back over at moms in the morning to help with the munchkin while mom runs dad to dialysis.  I am praying that as I write tomorrow that the Lord would enable me to hear Him and to write only what He wants me to say and share.  I believe that the Lord will open doors and assist our family back onto our feet.  I just need to try to stay positive and remember that He is control and that He will continue to give us what we need...it is not easy but God continues to give me the physical and mental and spiritual strength needed on a daily basis.

Another day done~

Well~  my dear sweet cousin who lost her died two months ago to brain cancer is going to go to bat for our family with the hoa and see if we can't rent the townhouse.  It is in Gods hands~  I have to believe and have faith...after all He has always provided!  Watched the little munchkin today and boy; she was everywhere in her walker.  I tied her toys onto her highchair and her walker because she is at the dropping stage!  I am truly enjoying her...it is such the Lord that I am getting to spend time with her in this manner....I had wanted to desperately adopt but once I was diagnosed with Lupus that was taken off the table as agencies consider this a fatal disease.  So God provides in this case allowing me to have a role in helping to raise this precious little one.  She is simply beautiful and I am not just saying this as her auntie!  ha ha  I pray that she comes to know the Lord and that her parents do also~  Praise God!  The nurse practitioner was in this morning to see my dad and she looked at his leg...and it is beginning to heal!  Thank you Jesus!!  Ladies our God is faithful!  So today wherever you find yourself and whatever you may be going through the Lord is there walking with you in the middle of the storm.  I don't say this lightly...I say this to remind myself as well~  God has called us to lift each other up and when we fall down He will pick us up and we as fellow believers are there to encourage each other~  All praise and glory and honor belongs to Him!
 

Long hard day~

It was a hard day today~  I suppose I had my idea of what was best for us and God had another...it can be difficult wanting something so much and not getting it.  In this instance it was a home...but I know that God will provide...although I have to admit I have a world of questions swirling around in my head.  I start work at the church on Wednesday morning and work again that night and Thursday....and along with the speaking and writing; it looks like I will also be working at the Gap....so the Lord is definitely providing!  Now we simply need a place to live~  I cooked a big dinner on Sunday night at my parents house and everyone really seemed to enjoy it~ especially Austie...he had three plates!  Growing teenage boy! ha ha  God is giving me the strength to get through each day as I keep continually busy.  I just have to continue packing but that is on hold until I finish writing my ebooks and finish speaking online on Friday night.  If any of you ladies want to come on by and have a listen I will be speaking at the Ultimate Homeschool Fall Expo~  You can find the website on Facebook.  It is not just for homeschoolers as the many speakers are talking about keeping Christ in the holidays.  Something that I think is so important for everyone~  as we can get so caught up in getting presents and the rush of the season.  I have always tried since the kids were little to help them remember that it is not about the getting but the giving and remembering who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us~

Beautiful day in the neighborhood~

Spent the morning with dad before he had to go to dialysis...we were able to have breakfast together.  He is stronger than when he initially got home...he was not strong at all and quite frustrated but! thank God he is able to stand for a limited amount just enough to get in his chair in the living room to elevate his leg.  I was able to get a part time at church for bible study time...so that will be a little pocket money for essentials~  I know the Lord will provide.  I am in the process of learning how to write an e-book and store website...never too old to learn!  We are looking at houses this weekend and Lord willing the car will sell and we will be on our way to settling back down...the kids need the stability of knowing that we are going to be in one place for an indefinite period of time.  I cannot wait to be settled down again!  So looking forward to being able to put things in there place and know that they are going to stay that way unless I want to move them!  Tired today~  been a long haul and I am sure there is still a great deal ahead....but with God's grace all things are possible....

Psalm 30:11
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent, 
O Lord my God, I will give thanks forever!

Home~

Dad is home!  Mom is worried that it is too soon as he still has mrsa...but I believe he has a better chance of healing at home.  Less germs more interaction with those he loves and those who love him.  He now has a black nail so I continue to pray about that also~  dad though is a trooper.  Having been through so much and yet he is still cheerful and joyful especially when around his precious grandchildren.  I pray each day blessings of strength upon him and my mom...especially since they are both physically tired at this point.  I think that given all that has happened they are doing incredibly good and I can only attribute that to the Lord.  Tom was let go on Saturday from his job for poor sales...he is holding up though~  I got an email last night from church about working a couple of days in the childrens ministry.  I will be working basically the same schedule as Amanda so now instead of dropping her off I will be staying and working.  Once again the Lord is providing.  We are going to start looking at homes tomorrow.  Tom's mom and my parents are helping us to move...God's provision again~  Thank you Lord!

God's Provision

God's provision is amazing!  He never ceases to provide for me...a good friend has invited me to speak at an online conference.  There are just several things that I must do....make a blog...check...that is in my comfort zone...speak to people..check...comfort zone once again....write an e-book...stretching...power point...stretch some more~  But!  as the Lord provides some more a dear friend is today taking a class in how to write e-books...in an afternoon ; no less!  Power point...I am taking a tutorial.  God is always stretching me and growing me in so many ways....three teens come to mind!  So ladies please if you know anyone who homeschools or who would like to be encouraged as the conference is on Keeping Christ in the Holidays...come on over and listen...and if you are interested in hearing me ramble some more come on over to my new blog too! werenotinkansasanymore.org   


On another note:  Please continue to pray for my dad..he now has Mersa in the leg he had amputated.  I know God can do all things~  You ladies are faithful prayer warriors!  And you know we walked this past last year with him as well but now it is a matter of losing his leg completely. Prayer for strength for both mom and dad....sometimes mom gets forgotten in all of this and it is difficult being a caregiver.  I pray God's blessing be upon each and everyone of your households!

Grateful~

God is amazing~  Never does He cease to not provide...emotionally, financially for our family.  I am here today to encourage you..that whatever present trouble you find yourself in...He is there.  Are you feeling alone in your present trouble?  I am here to tell you that He meets us right where we are......Last week my father underwent another amputation on the same leg.  God is ever merciful and I am telling you that the power of prayer real and alive today.  Even in his present state...my dad is a walking miracle!  His present state of mind is good..he jovial and still so enjoys visiting with his grandchildren.  Our church family has been amazing in their love for him.  They are lifting him up in prayer of course but also have made it a point to visit with him and love on in him person.  This really speaks to how the Lord wants us to be to one another.  I am so trying to remember this...it is so hard!  I am a work in progress...can't say that enough...I don't have all the answers and I never will.  I can only seek to live the way the Lord wants me to by staying in communication with Him.  Prayer to me is just a constant conversation with my Lord that continues throughout the day.  What this does for me is indescribable.  It gets me through the day and my days are not easy.  It begins before my feet hit the floor in the morning and this helps set my tone for the day.  I can tell you right now on the days that I don't do this....well~  it isn't pretty.
I can be cantankerous and than I need to step back and adjust.  Do I really want to be a walking testimony of cantankerous Christianity?  No.  So I must be thoughtful in how I approach my day.

Coffee talk~

Woke up again at four this morning~  haven't been sleeping a whole lot lately..but I have finally decided to stop worrying about it and just go with it.  So I spent sometime reading...thinking...reflecting and planning.  Tom is having a hard morning woke up with a migraine..gave him some medicine and made him breakfast and lunch for the day.  I am praying that he can make some much needed sales this week.  I praying about offering some classes out of the house once we get settled in for homeschoolers..it will bring in some income and bless our kids at the same time...and I love kids and teaching!  Have to continue packing this week~  How do you get teens motivated to pack?!  I'll let you all know should I find the answer~ ha ha  We'll be having dinner at my parents tonight as my dad has surgery tomorrow morning. So many transitions....each day seem to bring something but the Lord always provides strength to get through..there are time when I feel like I can't get up or I am in a great deal of pain and still God provides just what I need at that moment...He is ever faithful even when I am clinging....just holding on barely...He is there in the middle of whatever mess I find myself in~  Thank you Lord for your faithfulness...Thank you Lord for caring about my life...my family and for always providing what we need when we need it~

Early morning thoughts~

I haven't posted as late as I really have been trying to recuperate from the past couple of months...trying to process all that has happened~  well...still in that mode..and still finding it very hard to be without my beloved grandma.  I still forget sometimes that she is now with the Lord~  We had her memorial last Thursday and it was a beautiful, bitter-sweet time of memories...there was not many dry eyes but what came through more than anything was my grandmother's love for the Lord....what an inheritance for our family and what a testimony.  We'll be moving in a few short weeks and I look forward to it with anticipation and yet it is a closing of a chapter in our lives~  what this next season will bring I do not know but I believe that with Gods continued grace we will get through it~  My dad will be having surgery again on Tuesday he has been having extreme pain in his arm that has the fistula for dialysis and they need to go into the arm again and main artery to fix it. His amputation is not healing and we are praying for a miracle that way they do not need to amputate anymore of it.  The kids are processing all of these things and I just continue to point to the Lord for our source of strength~  I am so far from the woman that I long to be in the Lord but all I can do to press on and continue to pray and read and live....

A Day of Rest~

Tom is working again today...Praise God!!  After two years of not having steady work...he is working everyday.  I just pray that the Lord would give him strength as he is very tired...I pray for sales for him and provision for our family.  Got up with him this morning and sent him out the door with breakfast in hand and lunch.  Mandy is working this morning at church ..so blessed that they gave her the job..this is where she has wanted to work for years and the Lord has opened the door.  Austie and Gabby are sleeping in as they both have been having a difficult time sleeping.  I took out a great deal of chicken last night~  hoping to take it over to dad and moms today for Sunday dinner...not sure what I am going to do with it yet but I am sure that it will come to me.  Straightened up a little last night and after yesterday I am just spent..will have to pace myself over the next several days as I have been on the go now for the past several months and I don't want to slip back into a flare~  I've learned the hard way how to listen to my body and rest when I have too~  Will be getting Mandy this afternoon and than back home again..and off to mom and dad....So thankful for Sundays and a day of rest and relaxation~  Thank you Lord!

Saturday~

Spent the day going through photos in preparation for the memorial~  the kids helped me go through hundreds of photos...it was a long process but so healing for all of us to see all the special times we had...all the travels that we took with grandma...all the stories each of my children had about grandma..We were all so very blessed to have her~  Amanda had to babysit my niece Summer this evening so I dropped her off along with Gabby and got to spend some time with her...she is so precious!  Can't believe that she is eight months old already...time just flies.  Here we are into September with Fall just around the corner...my favorite time of year~  We are packing getting ready to move in the next couple of weeks....how do you pack a house that you've been in for ten years?!  My goodness all the things we have collected....the garage is full.  Time to bless some others with the many extra's that we have~  The girls are getting ready to share a room again...I know that there have been so...many changes these past couple of years and my Gabby is having a hard time thinking about sharing with Amanda..they are polar opposites!  Amanda is sloppy and Gabby is so neat..she is beyond herself.....but they will work it out somehow~  I will just need to put plenty of shelving in for all of Gabby's knick-knacks.....It will be nice to be in another environment with some outside space...I may even be able to have some flowers again!  God is good...always providing for  our needs and even some of our wants~

It's not easy grieving~

I am sure that many of you may have believed that I have fallen off  somewhere~  Well I am still here; I assure you.  Life has hit me pretty hard as of late...my dearest grandma passed away.  As I sit here writing to you all it still seems so surreal...like I am going to awake from a bad dream.  I am walking through my grief...and it surely is a process.  One moment I am fine and the next I find myself thinking I need to go check on grandma~  I need to go and get grandma her things...and than I realize she is no longer here...Dear friends~  I implore you to treasure those you love...don't take the little things for granted~  because it could very well be the last time you say goodnight or goodbye.  It might be the last kiss or hug and life really is too short to let those you love not know it.  I had started to see a decline in her several months ago...and I knew~  I really knew and yet I did not want to go there in my mind..didn't want to think about not having my confidant..my friend..my life without her in it.  We lost my cousin about a month or so ago and that is when grandma started to really decline but just when we thought that this was it..she rallied...really rallied.  Nine days ago I got a phone call from one very devoted nurse who loved grandma just as if she was her own and  I could tell in her voice~  I spent the next four days at grandma's bedside talking and singing and praying with her...for the first two days she could communicate with me and than she lost her voice...she never spoke again but this didn't deter me not one bit....I continued to talk to her and take care of her~  but I could see she was tired..so tired.  I told her I understood and that it was ok to want to go home to the Lord and to my grandpa.  I told her that he was waiting for her and that I would be with her till the end that I would not leave her....I thanked her for her example to me...for loving me unconditionally...for being such a prayer warrior...for loving the Lord so~  I thanked her for her life.  I kept my word; I was with her till the end.  The last half hour I was reading hymns to her and scripture and than she peacefully took her last breath and went to be with the Lord...never have I been with someone when they have died but all I can tell you is that the presence of the Lord in that room was felt by me in a great way.  The look of peace on her face was incredible.  I miss her so~  I know that she is with the Lord...I know it was her time...all these things I understand but I miss her so~  I have planned a beautiful memorial for her to celebrate her life...this has not been easy but the Lord is walking me through it just like He always walked with grandma~

When I Get Where I'm Going- Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton

"There Will Be A Day" Jeremy Camp

Thankful~

Today was spent watching my niece Summer~  it was a lovely time of bonding with this precious little baby.  My prayer for her would be that she would happy , healthy and that she would grow to love the Lord with all her heart.  My prayer for her parents are that they would come to know the Lord and would raise her in a Christian home.  So many prayers taken before the Lord and isn't it wonderful that He is there for us every moment of the day.  Our God never grows tired with us...never does He ever remind of us our mistakes...instead He is there helping us to grow along the way..giving us strength for whatever comes along.  His love for us is without condition.  I know that touches me to the core.  My heavenly Father cares about every little thing in my life...big or small.  I take comfort knowing that as I am stressed..the Lord knows this and is helping me overcome many obstacles and for this I am thankful~  I am thankful to God that although this past week has not been easy for my dad  and he is in great pain; God's strength is evident in his life.  Thank you Lord for all you do for me~

The Jezebel Infection, part B

The Jezebel Infection, part B

God is Good~

They transferred dad this evening from the hospital to the nursing facility.  We did not get him placed where we were hoping but I have to believe that God sees the bigger picture and I do not.  Mom will try on Monday to see what is happening with the insurance company.  The girls and I went to church this evening and it was a wonderful service.  We just ended a series on Philippians.  Gabby is going to be starting choir this week and I am very excited for her.  I am praying that she will come into her own and make some good friends.  Tomorrow I teach my preschoolers and Amanda is off to nursery.  Lord willing in the evening after we have visited my dad we will be off to Night of Worship.  It has been such a busy week full of emotions and I am so tired...but so thankful that the Lord has given me the strength to get through~  God is good and greatly to be praised!  I am so grateful that my dad has a positive outlook and has an appetite and has been jovial.  So many blessings...too many to count. 

Early Morning~

I write this morning not having slept.  I am in a great deal of physical pain...and yet as I lie here awake praying; I know God is with me. Great is thy faithfulness runs through my head as I sit here writing.  God is great and greatly to be praised for all He has seen our family through this week. God is great and greatly to be praised for all He has seen our family through this week.  I saw my father  last night with Tom, my mother and my aunt and all I can say is thank you Lord~ The pain is intense and yet my father has a good perspective on that has transpired...He is praising the Lord for his family...his grandchildren especially who love him so~  He has a long road ahead of him and yet I know God will continue to be faithful and meet him right where he needs him too...and walk him through this journey.  Though it may not be easy and though it is not he would have chosen the strength will come from his heavenly Father.  I believe that God will use this for his glory, honor and praise.  So I sit here with all this many thoughts, emotions swirling through my head and as I sit here and reflect; I am amazed what our family has come through but I am not surprised.  The Lord never promised me an easy road...and the things that I have been through make me appreciate life more...my husband more..my children more....my parents more...my loved ones more~  would I change anything?  Perhaps~  But!  God put me right where He wants me...so there must be a reason for this..something beyond my earthly comprehension...so I wait and live and hope and pray and one day I will know how or why but until than I trust in my loving Saviour.

Update~

My dad just got out of surgery~  We have yet to see him...it has been hours.  So we sit and wait...and wait.  The doctor came out and told us that there was no blood flow in the main artery in his leg so there was no other choice.  It will take at least two months to heal the wound and than he will be fitted for a "leg"....he will go into therapy and in three to four months he will be walking.  He also said it may have to been done to the other leg~  too much to process....my dad asked the doctor before he went under if there was any other way...please pray for his continued healing and for his mental well-being.  This is something that will be a grieving process.  I am tired and sad but I know that the Lord sees the big picture and I don't...I can only see a glimpse ; I pray that the Lord uses this for His glory.  I know that what the devil means for bad the Lord will turn around for His good that He might be glorified!

Prayer Request~

Hi everyone,
I am asking you all to put my father, Carlos De Jesus on your prayer list.  If perhaps you all could spread the word out to others...even better.  He will be undergoing an amputation tomorrow.  We will be leaving for the hospital by ten arriving at eleven and sometime around one the operation will begin.  Please pray that the Lord would guide the surgeons hands...pray for favor with the hospital staff as he will require a great deal of care and therapy.  Please pray for strength for both he and my mom as they are both under a great deal of  stress..for comfort as they both will miss each other a great deal.  Thank you dear friends so much for all of your kind words and sweet notes....they really do mean a great deal.
Blessings,
Vikki

Sleepless Night~

I am sitting here in a hotel room tonight and its so quiet~too quiet...I just can't sleep.There are many things on my mind tonight...my dad's illness...a friends betrayal....I am heartsick over these things.  I am sitting here wishing that Tom were with me.  Wishing that I was home with my family...snug in my bed.  I've learned from being hurt that we have to be diligent and when we see "flags"...don't dismiss them...be ever diligent about who we allow ourselves and our children to associate with~  Seek out the Lord in all things and remember to rely on Him .  People will fail us but our God never will~

How Great Is Our God

Your Great Name - The People's Church, Franklin, TN

Trust~

Trust~  I am trusting right now as I have trusted before for my father's health.  Last night we found out that he has to have his foot amputated due to the care he got this past winter....he is holding up incredibly well under all of this.  My Gabby took the news incredibly hard.  I have to believe just like the Lord walked him through the valley of death this past year; He will continue to walk my father through this as well.  Prayer and faith is an incredible thing....Without the Lord I would have lost my mind long ago~  and yet I am still here and it is only because of Him!  Thank you Lord for loving our family so much that you continue to take us through the storms of life. 

Our Amanda~

My oldest turns eighteen tomorrow~  Where does the time go?!  Amanda is my rock..when things get around here get hard due to my health my Amanda helps pick up the pieces...she keeps the house up and running.  She is a beautiful young woman of God inside and out~  Tom and I have been truly blessed with her as a daughter.  She will be starting college classes this August and I am so excited for her~  We are ready to launch our daughter into whatever the Lord has in store for her and I cannot wait to see the journey that he has in store for her life. 

The Cost

Demo Reel 2 Asleep In The Light

Austin~

My sweet son, Austin...."Austie"...my little man is fifteen~  he keeps me company and talks my ear off...what a blessing!  Not too many boys this age do~  so I know that we have a unique relationship.  Austin will be having surgery on Monday morning at 7:15 am...he has been having some stomach issues for a while now and they have gotten progressively worse.  He was doing well and then he started to get quite ill~  he didn't want to worry me..he told the doctor he thought he could handle it on his own and figure it out!  He is too much~  he thought I had enough on my plate...I had to remind him that he is fifteen not thirty and that I am the parent and I need to take care of him...so off we go Monday to the hospital and the rest of the week we have to have tests done.  I am praying that the Lord would give the doctors the wisdom to treat him that way my son can be healthy again.

Happy Birthday~

Today was grandma's birthday.  I stopped at Publix and picked her up a beautiful mini cake with Butterflies and a lovely icing.  We also brought her flowers..she loved them and ate some cake!  Very big for her as her appetite is really  waning.  She was so happy to see the kids~  She couldn't get over how big they had gotten...It was good to see her happy and she was in and out~  at one point she asked me what her name was as she had forgotten.  This is so hard at times~ I miss our long conversations and all the stories she would tell me.  I am blessed though by many happy memories with her and the kids~   all the trips we took together her and I ...Disney..she loved the parades...she loved doting on the kids...I truly miss those days~  She has stopped being able to pray as she did only a month ago....it is difficult to see...So I continue to pray.

Father's Day

We had a wonderful Father's Day~  we were blessed with movie tickets and off we went with the kids to see Toy Story 3.  We all really enjoyed it....it was cute, happy and sad.  I hadn't been to the movies forever~  a great family time!  We so needed that~  Tom got two days off in a row so tomorrow back to work!  Wow~  it is great to say that out loud!!  I am going to start packing this week and have been contacting rentals in order to find a new place.  I am praying the Lord puts us just where we need to be~  somewhere the kids can be comfortable.  I am now torn between going back to school and working...something needs to be done so I am praying the Lord would give me guidance. So many decisions need to be made in the next several months.  My dad has decided that he would very much like to go back on the transplant list and so now we pray that he is strong enough and that he would be allowed to go on the list for recipients. Life is never easy but with the Lord anything is possible~  I truly believe that~  all I need to do is to look at my dad...He is a living and breathing miracle!

Job!

Tom came home this evening and told me about his day~  he was offered a job!  It is selling cars~ he has always been in sales management...so I have faith in him and told him I believe he should give it a go!  We will see where this takes him but perhaps the Lord is opening a door.  The recruiter he spoke with is a christian..learned that by talking with him.  He is happy that it is something that he is comfortable with and excited that he has somewhere to be on a daily basis...I am happy that he is happy~  so many things that we take for granted in life until it's not there...getting up each morning for work...that weekly paycheck...being able to make a doctors appointment..the list goes on and on~  So many things that I know that I will never take for granted again.  I say thank you Lord for your constant provision.

Ponderings~

Bear up the hands that hang down, by faith and prayer; support the tottering knees.  Storm the throne of grace and persevere therein, and mercy will come down~  John Wesley

Well~  this evening my knees are definitely tottering....but  I am storming ahead in prayer!!  I have been having these long conversations with the Lord~  I have always told my children that prayer is simply a conversation between them and the Lord...so we have been talking....I like to think it is not a one sided conversation!   Remember the movie The Bible~  the conversations that Noah had with the Lord in that movie....well~  that's me....continually talking...if only in my head..thoughts aplenty!  Today Tom went on two interviews...tomorrow he will go to an orientation to see if this sales position will pan out....we will see.  Someone said to me today that maybe the Lord is getting us to the point where we will consider perhaps moving~  You know I believe we hit that point a long time ago...it does amaze me at times the things that people say but I know now when I speak I believe I choose my words more carefully so this is something good that has come from all the inconsiderate comments~ See there is always something good around the corner if we look for it.  I am looking Lord knows....

The Journey~

I sit here in the quiet this Sunday~  everyone is still asleep as they had a late movie night with dad....this morning has served as a time of reflection and quietness for my soul~  I was thinking back through the many different seasons of our lives...and although I long at times for the good old days...never once do I question God's faithfulness too me.  He has seen me through a child's illness where I simply had to cry out to him not knowing if that child would ever be healthy~ and than he was...he has seen us through hurricanes and many other storms through life and somehow He made a way~ and we forged ahead as a family.  He has seen us through my illness and the many complications that come with it and I am still here~  Praise God!  He has given me a heart for the hurting that I might not have had otherwise...he has given me a resilience that I believe I can use to help others going through many different seasons this life on Earth brings our way~  So as I sit here in the quiet and solitude I know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father is watching and listening to me and is going to give me just what I need for the journey~

Moving on~

 We will be in a different home no later than November...not sure where but I know that the Lord knows and I know that He promises to never leave us or forsake us~  So I wait in anticipation for what God has for my family.  Tom was offered a job of sorts on Thursday but after reading the contract we don't believe it is something that would profit our family....no health insurance...he has to pay all his expenses..amongst other things~  I believe that he will find a job..the job that God has set aside for him.  He and Gabby went off to church tonight by themselves as I am still sick and Amanda and Austin are under the weather also~ but this gave Gabby and Tom some much needed daddy and daughter time.  They were able to get a bite to eat and then went to my parents for some fellowship.  Gabby had not seen her papa since before we left for convention before Memorial day.  Tom and I ran into my parents driving in town yesterday and they treated us to dinner~  Tom and I were able to assist my dad and he was able to walk which is a huge thing!  His eye continues to heal but goodness gracious now that the swelling is down; I can see just how much of his eyelid that they had to take...Tom says it is an absolute miracle that he can see and I agree~  Even through it all we have see God work a miracle through his life...and for this I say a big Amen!

Wednesday and all is well~

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that I am quite sick~   as if I didn't know...don't you just love doctors? ha ha  So I will be on medicine for the next fourteen days.  Yuck!  I take enough medicine and thank you very much...don't need anymore.  So I am laying around...resting.  She said the mold in the house is not a good thing....Since we were out and especially because I knew that while we were out we should get things done...we set out on some errands.  Social security....grocery shopping all done~  and we had time to fit in breakfast with each other which was so nice!  So not all bad....most certainly a well needed break together.  Tom received a call for another interview...Yea!  We are praying...very hard that the Lord would bless him with a job.  It is in the Lord's hands...I don't want to get excited for him and nothing happen and yet I want to encourage him too...such a delicate balance we wives have at times~

Laid up~

Day five of being laid up sick with this horrible cold~  will be going to the doctor in the morning to make sure I am not coming down with a respiratory infection again.  Gabby and Austin are bored beyond words...they were to go with Tom today to see a movie but the matinee had already started and Tom wants to stretch the movies passes given to the kids at Christmas.  So here they sit~  Mandy has spent the afternoon babysitting for my mom..Mom takes care of my brother's daughter and due to a doctor's appointment for dad Mandy stepped in to help out.  Tom took her over and they both called to say they could not get her to settle down...she was crying uncontrollably.  She is teething and simple miserable.  Mom to the rescue I had them give her teething tablets...I am hoping that she settled down for them!  Tomorrow will be a long day so I have spent today resting up~  I have the doctors and then were are off to social security...Yuck!  because they once again have messed up my disability..so I can say with certainty that we will be spending the better part of the day there.  Must be done though~  so I am hoping that this time they get it right.  A dear friend goes to court tomorrow for her home...I am praying that the judge will work with her~ she is trying so hard.  This really is a strange time we are living in..so many dear friends that just like us had a normal and comfortable lifestyle and now we are all in the spot where we just don't know how we are going to get by at times~  except with the grace of God.  So if you should think about it just pray for my friend...she so very needs it.  I am hoping to see grandma once I am well enough; I don't dare bring her this in her delicate condition.  I miss her very much~  I have come to grips with the fact that at this stage in her disease bringing her home is no longer an option but this does not make it any easier.  When I think of all the things that grandma taught me I can only thank God for her and her influence in my life.  Even today in her communication with myself and others ...she shows what a wonderful woman of God she is~

I thank God for every remembrance of you~

Sunday Evening~

Mandy sang this weekend~  she really loves this and working with the children...I am blessed!  She is off today with some sweet friends from church.  Tom has taken Gabby and Austin off to Wendy's for dinner...I am not a good cook when I am sick~  as a matter of  fact my family won't even let me in the kitchen when I am not well....so off to dinner with dad.  I am sure they are not upset about it...frosties~  enough said. haha  My dad will get the rest of his stitches off tomorrow and then Tuesday he will undergo the surgery on his leg.  Mom says that he must be feeling a little better because he is fighting with her~  always a good sign when they are being their usual funny selves.  So I am enjoying a bit of a quiet house while all are out...though my room is filled with the animals.  They seem to have some issues thinking we are going to be leaving them again after being away for a week.  I am so thankful to be home and look forward to being well so that we can sink back into a routine.  With stress it is so important to have one~  everyone especially the kids need some certainty given our situation.  So I am hoping that this awful summer cold will go away~  I have meetings and appointments all week and I would hate to cancel....or keep them and just be miserable.  Summer is never an easy time for me..seems that flares just kick up and never seem to completely go away~  I suppose I just need to rest but does a mom ever really rest?!   I think not~

Trust~

Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey~

I went to see my dad today with the girls and found him to be in bright spirits.  His eye looks as if someone clocked him rather hard but I must say the surgeons did a very good job of reconstruction.  He will need to have another surgery on his main artery in his right leg in order to clean it out an get the blood clots out again...I am thankful that he has good doctors.  My mom has started to attend a church locally after not attending for a good long time.  She seems to like this church quite a bit and I am very thankful.  I took the girls to the bookstore tonight so that they could spend some of their earnings...they were so happy!  Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and I am hoping that I will get the referrals that I need.  I came home tonight to Tom not feeling well but I think that is to be expected with all that is going on...So I continue to pray.  I am continuing to look at business ventures that I can do out of the home...can't have to many pots on the stove!  I placed an ad today as well for tutoring and we will see if  I can get any students.  I am trying to keep a positive attitude.

He knows what is best~

Sometimes I think I know what is best~ and I have learned that God at times has a completely different take on life.  This week was one of those times~  I thought that I would make a good Vice-Chairman but!  the Lord had something entirely different in store for me..and you know what He was right!  I have been taken out of a situation that was uncomfortable and stressful and for that I am thankful.  I know can concentrate on things that really matter too me...my single parents, special needs children and families in need....and everything else is no longer a big issue to me.  Thank you Lord.  Does this solve all the issues?  No, but one piece at a time.  We got home last night exhausted after a week full of work and one day of down time but it was a wonderful and well needed day of rest as a family....it will take us all a good week to recoup.  We came home to a house full of animals thankful to see us home.  We also came home to a rejection letter for Tom. This was especially difficult for him...and for me.  I spent a better part of the night in tears~ really wondering what it is the Lord has for our family.  What I am asking does God want for my husband?!  We know he needs to work..but in what field...doing what to support our family...we have a need to find a home..and the need of our children.  Confused?  That I must be honest is quite the understatement..and so once again we trudge on because really is there any other option?!  I think not~

I thought again last night after my meltdown of being thankful whether in "plenty" or in "want"....so I remain ever faithful to being thankful no matter what~

Call~

Well...Tom got a phone this afternoon and has a job interview set for Tuesday. Thank God! He has a spring in his step and is excited at the prospect of working after only having part-time work off and on for the past two years. It has been a week of highs and lows here with all the many different events that have gone on but God is so good~ His grace continues to help us through each and everyday. I am thankful we won't have to leave until Wednesday now so that will give Gabby and I time to recuperate. I am hoping to be able to see grandma before I leave as I have not been able to visit with her for the past two weeks because of my flare. I am walking in faith believing that the Lord will allow our lives to begin to settle once again into a "normal" rhythm and we might be able to move into a home more suitable for our family. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and His name is Jesus~

Praise~

Praise God from whom all blessings flow~ Praise Him all creatures here below~ Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts~ Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen!

Well today started with me going to the new primary care who at my first visit would not do anything that I needed to have done...so I went not knowing what to expect but not really expecting much..and I left it in Gods hands. Meanwhile Tom went to return the car he had purchased due to smoke and engine lights....I sent the Lord before both of us for our day~ Wow...the Lord was really listening this morning! I had my appointment with the PA who was very caring and polite and really listened....I was in shock and than I realized the Lord had made a way where I felt hopeless just days ago~ She is going to order the tests I need and actually took the time to explain my test results and will work with my Rhuematologist so that I can get the care I need. Thank you Father~ Tom got to the car lot and the salesman was extremely helpful and found us a minivan that way we could all fit and than to our shock when he and Tom were talking about work experiences...well~ he told Tom they were looking for help and introduced him to everyone and Tom was able to fill out an application and may have a interview when we come home...Thank you Lord! This would be such an answer to pray~ Gabby asked me the other day if God was really listening to us...it was very emotional for me but I told her what I believe...God does hear us it is just we want things quicker than perhaps is Gods plan for us...and His plan a His timing is perfect...and when I struggle I must remind myself us this sometimes on a momentary basis...But! I do believe it~

Hurt~

Have you ever been hurt by a "friend"..someone that you had shared confidences with....someone you thought had your best interests at heart to only realize that they had not~ the realization is overwhelming like getting punched in the gut. I have known this person for many years now...taken her family as my own....gone to bat for her against many others that tried to forewarn me ....now I am left asking myself how could I not see the manipulation...how could I not see the controlling behaviour and now that I've seen it and drawn the line....she will not leave me alone~ she is relentless with the excuses..and it continues..there is no true remorse. It is all about her....There is no understanding for me putting my family first ...over friends...over the "organization" I work for...there is nothing but demands...What do you do? I want to take the high road and simply distance myself because I don't believe words spoken out of anger are what the Lord wants from me and yet speaking politely and with scripture is not accepted...and the worst of it is my dear Mandy and her girls...who are really young women are the best of friends...I sit here today very hurt because I strive to be the woman God calls me to be and though I fall short....I am striving...and I am trying to stretch and grow in His ways, words and deeds....I am at a loss today with the realization that people are not always what they seem and that I could be taken in so easily....I am hurting~

New Car~

Tom is off today with an awful cold to ...Lord willing buy a car! I am so happy that his mom has come around and seen that her son is really trying and just needs some help~ so off they went late this morning. I am thankful beyond words. I woke up early this morning to Gabby with a stomach bug..she spent all morning sick. Gabby always seems to get the worst of it when she comes down with something..so she is spending the afternoon in bed. The kids and I frantically spent the morning cleaning up as my mother-in-law will be popping in a some point and she can be slightly judgemental of my home keeping skills~ not really understanding what it is like to have children home all day and what it is to have an illness.but! she is helping Tom so...I am remembering to happy because God has provided for something that is really needed~ Mandy has choir tonight so she and I will spend sometime together and I will be getting my glasses today..Yea! it's so hard to get around not being able to see...hahaha showing my age. Ok~ off to finish the house.

Odds and Ends~

It's that time of year again~ Convention is lurking just around the corner...the family will be heading out next week for our yearly homeschool convention. I have to say that I am really not all that excited about it this year. Maybe it is just that I am so tired from the year that we have had...maybe it's after last year's event of my heading off to the hospital with a blood clot~ can't put my finger on it...could be just the dynamics of being on a board and all of the politics....Yep! that's it~ I am running this year for Vice-Chairman and I am ok with whatever should happen...this is an organization I believe in if it wasn't I surely would not waste my time especially with the dynamics of some of the people I work with~ I would love to see the organization really reach out to those in need within the community. So many single parents out there...so many special needs families...I believe that there really is a difference that could be made..so we will see what happens. The kids and Tom are extremely excited because they will all be working..this is the kids time to make money that helps carry them through the year for the little things that they want~ it gives them such a feeling of accomplishment. Tom is over the top about having work! Once again we are seeing God's provision for our family. My dad has two polyps removed today and set out for a biopsy. He is home after a week of once again being hospitalized. I spoke with him this evening and he was in very good spirits. I am thankful that the Lord has helped him to see that he is needed and loved. We are forging ahead~ With the Lord beside us for the journey.

Another Day~

Another day...another dollar! Well~ I am so thankful for God's provision...can't say enough about how just when I think..well~ perhaps there will be some saving~there's not! But..God is so good! His provision for us is great and He is merciful and caring. Tom and I started out early today with a long list of errands to run...doctor for me which I must say was a joke..a bad one..and than as if the doctors appointment was not enough~ well..the van died again! Yes, we just had it fixed..but never the less it was dead...had a friend come and jump us and two hundred dollars and a new battery later it is running..than I broke my only pair of glasses...an eye exam and another two hundred dollars later..and I will be able to see again tomorrow..But! Here is my point...God knew this was going to happen and you know what He provided for these minor emergencies in our lives. Perspective~ it really is what it is all about...really little things in the grand scheme..and I am thankful because I have a Father who cares about the little, the mundane everyday things of life~

Bittersweet~

Life is bittersweet right now~ Ten years is winding down in our home....we received a letter stating that Tom has a court date set for the hearing own our home. This is something we knew was lurking around the corner and although we very much want to move due to mold and other factors...we were hoping for more time. I have been pleading with the Lord for time and for provision for our family..a place where we can land...a place we can call home. He'll be attending the court date on June 15th and will plead with the judge for more time...time to get a job...time to save some money and find a place. I know that this hasn't taken God by surprise..He knew what would happen and I must believe that He will show mercy. Many mixed emotions this last week as I take it all in...sometimes too much to process. This earthly walk of faith isn't easy..it's not without many questions but I know that I must hold it together; after all the kids need me...grandma needs me...my parents need me and my husband needs me to believe in him~ so I am clinging..clinging some more on my rock..the Lord.

Rejoice~

This is the day that the Lord has made~ Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

I am rejoicing today because God is faithful~ I am choosing to rejoice because He is meeting our needs. Yesterday I had a meeting for grandma's care and little things that are important will be taken care of~ little things like her getting someone to help her drink....making sure that she is dressed for the day no matter what...little things like being fed and told to open ...close ....chew and swallow. Things that so many take for granted~ After the meeting I spent time with her and I am so thankful that she still remembers me. She is bedridden now but her spirit is still there...I can still see grandma behind those eyes that are on some days cannot focus clearly. She is still with me and for that I am so grateful to my Lord. She is expressing being lonely and this does sadden me because no one will visit...too hard they say to see...heartbreaking not for them but for grandma~ No one should have to be alone. So I visit as does our family and my aunt and she knows she is loved. Isn't that what is right and proper...to honor a woman who was always faithful and continues to be so as she lays there and prays. I chosen to rejoice today in grandma and her life.

There may be a light~

There may be a light at the end of the tunnel.....if fact I do know there is a light and He name is Jesus. I was reminded this weekend that our Heavenly Father knows where we are at...He knew what would happen before I did and He is walking beside me through this storm. He is the air I breathe...the strength behind my every step...He is my Lord~

Romans 6:13
Give yourselves to God.....Surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes.

Have we surrendered?! There are days when I think...well~ let me pick up those burdens and try to figure a way out~ honestly...what am I thinking?! I've got to let it go and truly let Him carry me...I can do all things through His strength and not my own~ and this has been a continuous learning process for me...because I am a person who likes control but! the Lord is teaching me that to rely on Him is the only way to grow...to live...He is my rock and He will sustain me~

Prayer needed for single mom~

I got a phone call this afternoon from a single mom that I have been assisting with some educational matters...it is truly heartbreaking. She and her father and little boy will be homeless tomorrow because they have lost their home and have been living in a hotel...she doesn't have the money for the next several days..I have called everywhere to try to get her help to no avail...they want to split her from her father who is elderly. What is this world coming to?! So I took it before the Lord...nothing else I can do...we cannot help her though I want to~ When I think I have it hard....when I grumble in my spirit...when I have a bad attitude....I need to remember how much the Lord has blessed me with~ This is such a hard time for so many...a transitional time for families, our country and the church but ! knowing that God is there in the middle of it all...He cares and sometimes it takes us being powerless to remind us of this.

Tuesday evening and all is well~

It's been a very long week...and it's only Tuesday! So thankful to be up and around after being held hostage in my room for the past week with a migraine. Yuck~ Today though I was able to for the first time in days to be up and around somewhat...was awakened by the phone this morning.....some friends just do not understand what it is to have this lovely disease called Lupus. So once I was up I put on the crock pot of Spanish beans that my son has been begging for~ he doesn't believe that I have been making enough Spanish food and wondered why I was neglecting our culture. He is too funny and I just never know what might come out of his mouth. So dinner was a huge success and I was very amazed because normally when I cook and I am sick...well the results are horrible! I am hoping to getting around to seeing grandma tomorrow ...haven't seen her in over a week. It seems the stress of Tom with no work and mounting bills is starting to take a toll on my health~ and it is not that I am not trusting the Lord it is just a very stressful time. I am praying for some relief~ my poor husband is feeling the as if he is not the provider that God intended...so I pray a lot and than I pray some more....dad got some very bad news..he has cancer of the eyelid and it will have to be removed and than a plastic surgeon will have to reconstruct his eyelid....and so we pray some more~ this life is a continuous walk of faith never knowing what is around the corner but knowing that God knows and will give us the strength needed just as we need it...and in our case give us what we need on a moment by moment basis....I am not liking this but really what choice is there but to walk on~

Dads dinner~

Dinner was a huge success on Friday~ everyone ate to their hearts content and I was amazed that my dad had an appetite. He had a biopsy in the morning on his eyelid for what seems to be a cancerous tumor...than off to dialysis. The kids had a good time keeping him company watching his favorite shows~ sometimes it is just the little things that seem to bring some joy. So today I am exhausted! Amanda was to sing tonight at church but with both Tom and I under the weather today..she will have to wait until tomorrow. I am very thankful that church has many services for us to choose from so on my off days; we can adept. So tonight is a quiet night filled with movies and cookies for the kids. I am so thankful for a chance to rest...seems as if that is something that has been lacking as of late and something I cannot do without~ Tomorrow we will be off again to my parents for a family dinner. I will not be cooking though as my aunt will be bringing some lasagnas from Sam's. We will just a chance to fellowship and get the kids out and Gabby is looking forward to it as lasagna is her favorite. She is off in the kitchen now doing dishes...Austin and Tom watching a movie ....Mandy somewhere....and I will get the rest I need~ Thank the Lord.

Thursday~

Quiet day today for the most part....I know that I have been absent as of late but I honestly just needed some time to absorb all that is going on~ Tom lost his unemployment last week just in time for the van to need a complete overhaul...over a thousand dollars later and my melt-down is complete. His an appeal coming in a couple of weeks...so much prayer would be appreciated. Seems the company he was working for part-time told unemployment that he has been working full-time...wouldn't that be wonderful! It has been two years now and to say he is ready to work full-time would be an understatement. So we sit and wait until his appeal and the judges decision. He continues to apply everywhere and so do I but nothing as of yet~ He finally did hear from the company in Texas; they ended up going with someone local..oh well. I am holding out on the Lord~ He and I had a long conversation the other night...I totally let it out..felt much better afterward. The kids and Tom are watching a movie tonight ....The Princess and the Frog~ the girls had been dying to see it but a trip to movies has not been in the budget. Thank the Lord for Redbox....who can beat a dollar?~ Tomorrow my dad has another surgery ..this time on a cancer on his eyelid..and next week a major surgery on his circulation in his leg..his foot has an another ulcer and than of course Tom takes him to dialysis three times a week. My who ever said life is easy but there are joys along the way and I have learned that it is these moments that I cling too~ glimpses of heaven that the Lord allows us to see. The kids are looking forward to dinner tomorrow night at my parents..they haven't seen their papa in a week as Gabby had an awful cold over Easter. I'll be cooking a big dinner and it will be a good time of fellowship for them and us. God is faithful I've learned through all the trials and struggles; He has given me the strength for the journey...I remember learning as a teen about sanctification and our Christian life and how if we drew it out on paper it would look like a series of valleys and hills and mountains....well little did I know at the time what truth there was to that....right now we are in the valley..but I am looking heaven-ward to getting to the top of the mountain although at this moment a hill would not be so bad~

2 Peter 1:5-8
Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness; knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:3-4
We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

We are rejoicing today that my father finally has come home...he did fall today as I was placing him in the car but! although he is bang up he did not break anything. I continue to pray that the Lord would not only give him strength but confidence..which he is lacking right now. He has come so very far these past six weeks. Tom and I are continuing to work hard on our marriage; our home-life and ourselves. I did not get any of the jobs after many series of first, second, third and even fourth interviews. I now know it is because of us having to close the business~ but I know that the Lord has something for Tom and I and He continues to provide. So I am taking a breath and holding on for what the Lord has in store for our family. I believe that He has not forsaken us~ Nor has he left us.

Different Seasons~

There have been many different seasons during my Christian walk...there have been times where God has been silent on many issues and I am left to wonder~ Thinking so many different thoughts....like...are you there Lord? What is it your trying teach me? and the silence can be deafening. Now is such a time~ God's provision has always been there...we have been blessed to not go without...but there has been much loss as well. So I have been away a while really contemplating...endlessly. It is a season where my husband is struggling...a man's identity is wrapped in how he can provide and Tom was a very good provider....we always had more than enough to share with others....he so enjoyed blessing others and now not being able to provide in the manner he would want has him questioning many things in his life. I am in prayer for many things....for our family, for my father ....my mother~ this season is not comfortable...not pleasant but I will Praise God for the things we do have ....for the Lord's strength that is my very breathe~ I know that I can do nothing without the Lord....to get up each morning could be a struggle if I allowed myself to wallow but wallowing is not an option..the only option is total reliance upon the Lord.

Late night~

Another long day~ better than yesterday...so I am thankful. One day seems to be blending into the next as of late...between all the running but! I am grateful that the Lord has enabled me to "run" at all~ I am thankful for many friends that have been such an encouragement during these difficult days....sometimes you just have to have a complete breakdown to realize that yes...God is in control. Even when life seems to be in total chaos and I am despairing...to be reminded that my Lord loves me and knows the mess that life has gotten to be~ and He is here has a plan for not only my life but my families as well. He will place us where He wants us and will give Tom the job He has set aside for him at the time He has appointed. Life is messy and is not always what we expect but the Lord has been gracious enough to remind me that He hears me in middle of it all~

Exhausted~

Feeling emotionally, physically and spiritually spent today. Things here at home are rocky at best~ too much time has passed since Tom has had full-time work and it is beginning to take its toll. Bright note~ We got dad settled into his rehab last night and although he is simply exhausted....the facility and staff is lovely. They will be working with him intensively so we can get him home. Today is dialysis so he will I am sure be completely worn out by the time we get to visit. I am trying to take my life a moment at a time because anymore than that now is too much.

Dad~

Dad is back in the hospital~ it seems as if this is never-ending.....but! Thank God he has had all of his testing redone due to his doctor sending him to another hospital. First he was sent to a horrible rehab where my mother, my brother Phillip and Tom and I did not leave him but brought him home~ the next day he was sent to another rehab...this one was nice but dad was extremely ill so off to the hospital where he is now. Mom and I and Amanda are taking turns staying with him...mom during the day and Amanda and I in the evening until midnight when he gets his bedtime meds and we settle him in and pray and leave him until the next day. This has been a long hard road for my parents..my poor father has no strength and the dialysis is making him extremely fatigued and now he has a chronic bladder infection. I am praying for the Lords mercy and healing upon him....He needs a miracle! My mom needs her husband...we need our father still and my children need their grandfather!

Jeremiah 29:11
Tells us that :
I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are for good and not disaster to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you cry out to me I will listen.

I wrote this down on a piece of paper and put it up in my dads room before I left tonight~ I am believing this for my dad...We as a family are crying out~

Off we go~

My goodness as we get ready to head out to church this evening we are bundling up! Can't believe it...it is never this cold here~ so to say we are unprepared is an understatement. I have crackers for children...native Floridians. They do not like to bundle-up. My son really has nothing in his drawers but shorts ...what an awful mom I am~ He just came downstairs too me with the only pair of jeans he owns...he just does not like long pants. He finds them constricting! It is a high of 42 here today in South Florida and very rainy. What a combo..just like New Jersey in the winter...Yuk! I don't mind the cold but I do not like cold and rain. So here we are searching for something to wear to keep us warm as we head out this evening. My dad continues to be in the hospital. The anxiousness seems to have returned last night as well as stomach issues. We are praying for him that the Lord would just give him a blessed peace in the middle of this storm and for my mother as well~

Update on my dad~

Just received a call from my mom ~ back at the hospital with my dad. He was released the other day...we believe due to Obama-care but thank God his physicians have figured out a way to get around a system that is already changing for those who are chronically ill. God is good~ after my complete melt-down over the weekend I have heard from a dear blogging friend...you know who you are! Thank you for the encouragement and prayer!! I was able to reconnect with some of my parents friends who in turn have reconnected with them..this has been a real blessing too them. To have Gods people pray is what is needed...so at this moment I am holding up...it is a moment by moment thing~

Emotions~

This weekend has been such a roller coaster of emotions~ My dad is not doing well...and if I stop and let myself think....I am having a hard time letting go of someone I adore...someone I am just not ready to let go. I know this sounds terribly selfish...it is something I am really struggling with because I know he is in pain ...physically and emotionally...he is not himself~ and I find myself asking the Lord...where are you?! I know He is there..don't get me wrong but my heart is breaking...not just because I will miss him dearly but I stop ...if I allow myself and think...and think about my mom....my children and ask myself ..how will the Lord ever be able to use me to comfort them..when I can't stop crying over the thought of not having my dad around to talk with ...and to joke with and to just visit with~ My children are asking the Lord for a miracle..they have such faith ...a faith that I cannot find right now..a faith that I am lacking today. My dad has become very quiet ...he was always a shy man but not with his family...with his family..he had strength..strength of convictions..a man of true integrity..a man who is generous..and now he sits in the quiet..seeming to wait for the Lord to call him home..